The Boston IT Party

Virus

2009-01-23T20:13:00.002Z

Had a bit of a panic after christmas I can tell you. Saw a notice in work that said there was a virus going around. I wasn't having any of that! My body is a bit of a temple. Went off to town and stocked upon my favourite remedy, 'night nurse'. Had a few drops there and then before going back to the office. What wonderful stuff - no man flu for me. Woke up just in time to go home. Could have been worse, could have been a computer virus.

Fiesta

2009-01-16T20:30:00.006Z

Life has its perks. When in the land of the garlic munchers I still drive around in my 'beast', but when I last landed at Liverpool International I headed over to my new mates at Hertz. I was offered a Fiesta and between you and me I was surprised that they new what my favourite reading literature was. Of course I accepted the offer hoping that I didn’t already have it.. (I will have to buy a new suitcase as the one I keep at my mates house is getting a bit full), How disappointed was I to find that I had been offered a car called a Fiesta. Not for long though. Its like my beast but with more power. In fact its very much like my favourite magazine. Pure joy!

Eurotrash

2008-11-07T14:52:00.002Z

I feel it is my duty to pass on some advice today. I don't often do this - I usually just think people should know what to do - but I'm feeling generous today. For a start, that awful band weren't playing this week in my favourite drinking establishment, so I'm in a good mood.

Now that I am a seasoned European traveler, I learned a few things along the way that I feel I should impart on you, the dear beloved reader, as to how European travel should be done.

First of all, the airport transfer. Traditionally, this is the mad dash in a very dodgy (but cheap!) taxi to some shed in middle of nowhere, pretending to be the airport for one of our major cities, and as such costs an arm and a leg. I now have a solution. It's called a Tractor transfer. Now, I don't find myself sitting behind a long queue of traffic on the way to the airport. I'm the cause of it, and that is one of the most satisfying things - I feel like the Pied Piper. Secondly, you can park it anywhere at the airport, as nobody will give you a ticket for fear of sparking mass riots by the farmers in every major city, so it's a win win!

Now, business class. I have found that due to my many airport trips, I now get invited to fly business class. However, as this is Ryanair, it seems to mean that I only get preferential seating - I've not had to sit on the knee of anyone in weeks!

Everyone in France has moved on from man bags. Now, we all have Murses, or a man purse. It's a great idea. All I keep in mine is my passport and flight or train tickets, some spare cash (you never know what last minute goodies you'll find in the airport! I'm a sucker for Toblerone) and this monstrosity of a thing called a "mobile phone". Hateful thing. However I think I'm blazing a trail with my Murse in the Midlands, as nobody else seems to have caught onto it yet. At least I can be a bit stylish while I go about my business! I mean, even Chewbacca had a man bag, he's a real man (well, wookie, but let that one slide ok?) so why shouldn't I carry one too?

My Sartorial Heros

2008-10-29T10:39:00.006Z

Some of you may have noticed that I'm one of the sharpest dressers out there. I have a wardrobe full of designer gear at home, and I like nothing more than wandering around Covent Garden on a Saturday afternoon buying clothes from Paul Smith and the like. You should see the suit linings there, just heavenly! As an example, on a recent shopping excursion I couldn't resist this little outfit for when I go to the local market in France:

Snazzy huh? I think the root of this comes from my special forces training, where we spent all the time in fatigues and combat gear. That will always have a place in my wardrobe for special occasions (for example, I think the next door farmer is stealing my apples, so I have to keep him under surveillance. To do this, I hide out in a bush while in full combats - I'll tell more another time), but I love nothing more than the feel of a cashmere jumper, or even better, my cashmere underpants - I usually go commando but when the need arises, you have to wear the best.

Anyway, I take as much pride in my appearance as anyone I know, and always aim to be presentable. There is a line though, they say you should never dress better than your boss, so I've had to tone my look while at work, and when I go out socially with the follow workers. The problem is I don't really know what that look should be, so I've had to understand how "normal" people dress. I hate the clothes though, bloody awful stuff, I'd rather be lounging in Gucci or Prada, but what can you do. So I undertook some research as to what normal people wear by watching TV.

I found that the clothes normal people wear are so dull. Where's the silk lining? Where's the colour? Anyway, one person I found I've based my whole look on. He's the ideal person on who to base my style on. He is a dedicated family man who'll do anything for anyone, always chipper and greets you with a smile, much like myself. He works hard for both himself and his family. What more could you want in a role model? He has this odd thing called facial hair as well, so I've even tried to copy his, although I can only dream of the day I have a moustache as bushy as him. Even better though is his love of green jumpers, it's like a comfort blanket for me! I know he has been featured before, but the man is just so cool, I can't help but not declare my love for him. Tell me dear reader, can you think of a more deserving normal person to base my look on?

Undercover with the Wurzels

2008-10-18T11:08:00.003Z

Dear Blog-readers,

I know there are many of you who are keen to learn more about my musical tastes, and as it happens an event this week gives me the perfect opportunity to expound upon this topic. It would appear some members of my project have during my recent period of absence from Worcester inadvisably attempted to form some kind of local band. "Colonel Sin and The Bon-Bons" they have named themselves, though for the life in my I cannot work out why. In any case, this very Wednesday evening just passed, I found my evening one of my regular haunts (a pub which those on the project refer to "amusingly" as "Spur 0") disturbed by an almighty racket from the back room. Whereas I had been intending to spending the evening holding forth on a number of topics dear to my heart -- readers I trust are aware the high esteem in which my holdings-forth are held -- with colleagues, I found myself having to speak much louder and hold forth on said topics against the backdrop of a number of songs -- which were ill chosen in the first place -- being murdered by a bunch of incompetent amateurs!

Don't get me wrong - I am no musical snob. Indeed I have the widest, the most catholic (small C, I don't do hymns) taste in music which you could imagine anyone with my facial hair pattern to have. Very people would look at me, for example, and believe I was once the only white person to attend a Niggers With Attitude concert during their heyday. I've no fear of being in the minority, oh no, although I should confess I did black-up a little for the occasion. Unfortunately I forgot to do around my eyes much so I ended up looking like some kind of latter day Black and White Minstrel and was soundly beaten up. Anyway, that's an aside. Where was I? Oh yes, musical diversity. Very few people would also know to look at me I am somewhat of a Mahler expert, indeed I can only describe his 5th symphony as one of the most uplifting and life affirming pieces mankind has produced. Sadly NWA never covered it - which is a real shame.

My musical eclecticism doesn't stop there, however. Doyens of this blog will know I spent some time with the Special Forces in a previous part of my life. I don't like to talk about it much for reasons of national safety of course, however I can reveal perhaps a glimpse of what one of my assignments was like. A major fear at the time was that British Scrumpy and Western bands were in fact far from being innocent and amusing oddities, but were in fact a major breeding ground for home-grown terrorists and anti-capitalists. On the particular assignment in question, I was sent undercover to be a "roadie" for the Wurzels, a prospect which as you can imagine at first was not a particularly appealing one. My mission was to gather intelligence on any suspicious activities of this band or any of their sort, especially at concerts and festivals. One threat was thought to be a plan to attach miniature warheads to the tops of turnips which could then be used as explosives e.g. in crowded markets and at bring-a-turnip parties. However the worst I encountered on this front was a hollowed-out pumpkin with a sparkler in it on bonfire night. Which was fair enough - we all like a bit of fireworks now and again. No, reader, these were no "Wurzels of Mass Destruction" as had been suspected, and in fact (returning finally to my point, I thank the reader for their patience) over the period of time I spend with this great band I came to admire them immensely. Their great musicianship, their pithy, down-to-earth lyrics, their antipathy to regular washing. My particular favorite of theirs is the great, anthemic "I've Got a Brand New Combine Harvester and I'll Give You The Key". That's proper music, and I sometimes sing it out loud as I sit bare-breasted on my Massey Ferguson at the end of a long day's toil.

I have no audience (other than the odd crow) for these al fresco renditions, dear friend, but I dare say if I had it would go down a lot better than this Colonel Saunders lot I was subjected to this week. I mean, since the advent of "reality TV", "X-factor", "Stars in their Ears", and other similar televisual garbage, anyone thinks they can put a leather jacket and shades on, pop down to the local pub and make a din whilst perfectly decent, ordinary people are trying to have a beer or few. It's not cricket. Not that I play cricket, can't stand the game - no idea what it's about. Neither have the French for that matter - there are no wickets in a game of petanque. Which reminds me of a rather amusing incident recently in the village near my chateau, where for reasons of inveigling ourselves with the local community I was forced to engage in a game of 'boules' with the Mayor and his family. No one however had gone to the trouble of explaining the rules to me, some my throws were somewhat random. How was I to know the objective was not to hit members of the opposing team? The major's wife only suffered a minor fracture however, and all is smoothed over. Another one of my "boules" went astray and was later found up the business end of a cow in the adjoining field. Anyway, we're certainly known in the area now.

Mmmmm, I seem to have digressed again. Returning to my main thesis ... well, I didn't have a thesis really. If any of you want to see the audio-visual insult to which I was subjected on the evening in question, head over to "MySpace" and search for Captain Sin and the Blue Bums (urgh! baboons -- that's another story, did I tell it already?). Just remember to cover you ears, and your eyes, as you watch.

"Oooooh I am a cider drinker ...
I drinks it all o' the day ...
I am a cider drinker ...
It soothes all mi troubles away ....
Ooh aar ooh aar ayyy ..."

The return...

2008-10-03T08:35:00.003Z

Well folks, far be it for me to leave my eager public wanting. Yes, I'm back from exile with the cheese munchers, and just in time for the legendary English autumn and winters. Which means I'll get a cold for the next 6 months and have to buy a new jumper. Maybe even in a daring new colour. I hear black is the new green...

So what news? Well, the absence of curry and beer, mean that I'm a new and improved Boston. I feel grown up now, I have a wonderful family who are all are well, and I've worked hard to provide a home for them. I've even finally managed to grow some facial hair, which I think adds a touch of european flair and a touch of style.

I've based my new look on this guy:

Maybe with a bit of this thrown in as well...

Enjoy!

Trains - Thoughts of a World Traveller

2007-10-15T12:23:00.000Z

It's been a while, but I thought I'd wax lyrical about the high-speed train service I use every week.

Zipping across France at 200 miles an hour certainly leaves most of the traffic behind, although I'd like to think I could give the TGV and Eurostar a run for their Euros in the old Volvo estate. But then I wouldn't be able to pretend I was working in the Volvo. Mind you I couldn't work on the trains either until I cut out the audio distraction of the vulgar babbling masses by equipping myself with the latest geeky wizzardry : smart headphones that cancel out their chatter with a calculated dose of 'anti-noise'. I must try turning them to speaker mode and upping the volume to see what the rest of the carriage makes of that. Ecoutez-ca, Froggies.

I tried the 'connection' at Lille (an industrial town in the North - but entirely lacking in huge smokestacks, back-to-back housing, and mills and very few vestiges of its coal-mining past; you'd have expected a devcent pub!) last time instead of Paris. Never again. An hour and forty minutes in an aircraft hanger of a waiting room with no food, no drink and nowhere for a fag.

One thing I've not worked out about the tunnel itself is where the chicane in the middle is as we change to left hand drive. Presumably the faster we go the less chance there is of meeting one coming the other way on the crossing, but it's a tad worrying.

Those navvying-Jonnie types on our side of La Manche have now completed the fast route all the way to London, and the refurbished splendour of St Pancreas. I'll have to see if I can jiggle my journey plan to wangle a night on expenses at the revamped hotel instead of 'Chateau Fownes' one time. Pity in a way though - Waterloo is a much more satisfying destination for a train from France. Anyway, from next month it'll be a two hour sprint from Paris to London.

Obviously in a further two hours from Paddington I'd still be lucky to get as far as Didcot, let alone points further west where I would anyway be chancing my luck with square wheels on iron rails over the Cotswolds. So for me it'll remain a change of mode to the motorcar and back to my comfort zone in the fast lane of the M40 for the last leg to my usual suite at 'Chateau Fownes'.

Work colleagues might soon benefit from my speedier journey, and I don’t just mean my less grumpy disposition on arrival. I've been promising to bring them some French produce from the local patisserie for some time (''qwazzants' they vulgarly insist on calling them). Truth is I've actually left home a few times so equipped, but I've never yet managed to pack enough for it all to survive my attention the whole journey. I'll have to further stretch their anticipation by pointing out that a faster Paris-London leg next month might finally allow the prospect of some sustenance arriving intact and fresh.

Apples

2007-08-30T12:50:00.000Z

I have a long commute now that means I have to leave the tank in France. All my training means that I know it's best to leave a military presence in the local area. It keeps the locals on their toes, makes sure there is no slacking while they tend to the country pile. However it does mean I can't sing along to my "Brotherhood of Man" tape while shouting at other drivers on the drive to work. I've also found that train passengers are not too keen on my singing as I attempt to while away the hours. Don't they appreciate my great musical tone? Would it really hurt to have a sing-a-long?

Anyway, someone suggested I buy an Apple, but I didn't see how buying fruit would help, particularly as I own most of the orchards in France. It transpires though they meant something called an ipod, whatever that is. So I bought one, and I'm sure it's very good. I think it must be amazing actually, I mean it's so small it must have some kind of tardis feature to it! The problem is I just can't seem to find a way of opening it to get my cassette's in. Maybe I'll ask one of the geeks, they are bound to know.

Ancient Rights

2007-08-17T14:00:00.000Z

Back now among my paysans I notice that they have been decorating the village in preparation for the wedding next weekend of a local girl to a ne'er-do-well from the next village.

I have decided, in the spirit of protecting the heritage of rural France, to reintroduce the droit du seigneur. I will announce this before returning to Worcester, but first I need to work out what they call this in French.

Zut Alors!

2007-08-15T13:48:00.000Z

Enfin, I have returned to the UK and am back in Worcester. Little seems to have happened in my absence... but then what would you expect when I am not around to crack the whip.

I have returned determined to set a new fashion, but nobody has commented yet on my French chic - demonstrated in the stylish new shirt, silk underwear, and crocheted socks. I am convinced that this will seep into their subconscious and help drag the poor fashion-victims up to standard with which I can feel comfortable.

By the way, does anyone know where I can stock up on snails and garlic while I'm here, so far from home.

Green jumper - the back story

2007-07-23T11:01:00.001Z

All of that rain back in England reminds me of the skills we learned during our special forces training. One of the key things to remember was to keep your clothes dry and stay warm. As a result, when in covert operations in hostile territory and heavy rain we were taught to strip off smear ourselves in camouflage paint (or mud, if necessary) and pack our clothes away in sealed plastic bags. This may seem bizarre, but that way we had something dry to put on when we camped from the night.

After being snagged by the in-law's fishing line I spent a while recuperating in Northern Ireland. Unfortunately it never stops raining in the province... and when I went out walking (in my slightly dazed state) my training would automatically kick-in. I am no longer welcome in Tescos, the Post Office, or several of the local pubs. After the last incident my brother-in-law offered me a green jumper to cover me up (and save the locals from feelings of inadequacy)... and that's why I have a great fondness for (and large wardrobe filled with) green jumpers

Tagged

2007-07-18T16:24:00.000Z

So the Gorse Fox tagged me. I though it meant they had found the cake stash I'd taken from meeting rooms, however on further investigation it seems to mean that I have to say 8 random facts about myself. So here goes:

While I was in the far east, I was treated as a God in Papua New Guinea
I was lost for two days in Africa and cared for by a troupe of baboons
I own a property in France. It's a modest little place on the top of a hill, lovely views. In fact (with some help) I've managed to upload a picture!
I own so many green jumpers that I need to have a trailer attached to the tank when I drive to my place in France
I'm not sure that there are enough ~~peasants~~ villagers to staff my chateau in France
I've actually got a masters degree in advanced Computer Science and I've written papers on theoretical deep thinking for super computers - I just don't like to brag (and that's why I passed the PRPC Fundamentals course was so easily)
My Volvo is actually armour plated after an incident with some lively natives in Nicaragua. It was cheaper than importing a Hummer.
My wifes family are from fishermen stock. In fact that's how we met. I was scuba diving off the Irish sea as part of my training for the Navy Seals (after a special invite from the President - lovely man by the way). There I was swimming away in my special neoprene suit (optional doughnut attachment), when I got hooked by this Irishman. They took me to their home, let me rest and fed me, and then my wife walked in. That was it for me! Anyone who let's me sleep and eat is fine by me!
I have issues counting in lower digits. Big numbers are where it's at.

Now, an apology:
A note was passed around the office which indicated that one of the new garden chairs on the patio was broken. I would like to apologise as it was me that broke it.

We were having an impromptu meeting in the patio, I was leaning back while a bit bored, rocking on the chair, and it gave way a bit. If anyone would like me to take it away, I'm sure I can get some money for it on ebay - A Boston original!

2007-07-05T09:24:00.001Z

Right, I think I've found out who has stolen my jumper.

There is a collegue who works on "data migration", whatever that is. Someone sent me some photographic evidence -

If I catch him wearing it...

2007-06-20T09:58:00.000Z

So, I've made it back to Worcester, seems nice enough although I'll miss my old desk in Guildford. I really should tell someone about the cake in the drawer before it smells.

I'm not happy. First day back here and, as it's the north, I took a jumper. My green jumper. My favourite green jumper. My only jumper. And herein lies the problem. I left it on my chair and someone has walked off with it!!! my green jumper!!!

If I find out who's done it, there will be trouble....

Let them miss cake

2007-06-18T13:31:00.000Z

So we have a regular cake day. What people don't seem to recognize is that any cake left at the end of the day has to be disposed of in a carbon-friendly way (for Health & Safety reasons).

I have found that my desk drawer is the ideal method of such disposal.

2007-06-08T11:39:00.000Z

It seems I have made the office newsletter. I suspect this will encourage some new visitors to the blog so perhaps I should explain that anybody is welcome to pop in and see what I've been up to. Just make sure you bring cakes.

I've been working in the Guildford office for a while now and I must say it's getting to feel like home. And, with the sunshine finally coming, I can start to think about getting a bit of colour. There is a nice quiet area behind our office which is a real sun trap and I think it's perfect for a bit of tanning. If I can get a long enough network cable, I reckon I can work from there and top up the tan in my speedos. That would be ideal. Maybe I should get some new speedos, or perhaps follow Borats lead with a bright yellow thong?

So many decisions...

Parking up

2007-04-11T12:59:00.000Z

So, not only have they concreted my parking space, they have also given it a roof!

The thing is, I'm not sure how I'll get my car into the gap - it looks a little tight for the "beast". I've come up with two options:

1 - batter into it once to make it wide enough - the car is built like a house so would take it, or
2 - if I hit the kerb at the right speed and angle, I reckon I get into it on two wheels, just like KITT did in Knight Rider.

I always saw myself as a bit of a Hasselhoff character - I think the ladies see my green jumper as more up to date version of the Hoffs hairy chest.

I'm sure there must be a body double role in there somewhere. Just need the Hoff to play someone who wears jumpers, or has a green body where the jumper would blend in.

Map reading

2007-04-04T13:36:00.000Z

I've been watching with disgust at the way the British troops have been captured and held in Iran. However, as they have now been released, I feel it's safe to say this now.

15 sailors in a boat, 14 men and 1 woman and a dispute over where they were. Don't think it takes a genius to work out who had the map does it?

Parking

2007-03-22T15:20:00.000Z

So, I headed back to the office in Worcester today for the first time in a while. I'm most impressed. At long last they have recognised my valuable contribution to the project and the requirement to concrete my personal parking space.

Now, if I can avoid mounting kerbs with "the beast" I'll get on so much better.

Lamp-him 'ard

2007-03-20T14:45:00.000Z

I've been told that a Spurs fan was rather upset at the result last night and tried the throw a punch at someone called Lampard. (I believe this is a football thing - almost as dull as an technical meeting). However a collegue of a foxy nature is a Spurs fan...wonder if he can account for his whereabouts last night about 10pm?

Dangerous Animals

2007-03-02T15:38:00.000Z

I find it really irritates me when people dismiss a persons real life experience for nor't but rely instead on there own pure conjecture on subject they've never had any really experience of!

Take for instance, when I was asked to comment on a discussion over which is the most dangerous animal in the world, a shark or bear? Moreover, which you would most fear to be attacked by?

Really! These people have no idea what they're on about.

Take the so called great white shark for starters; does this picture of one I found on the web fill you with dread?

I think not, looks like an over growin dolphin playing on the waves.

And a bear, for goodness sake

It’s just a like big cuddly toy .........

Who could even consider either of these as the most dangerous animal in the world?

It is easy to see how discussions like this could be irritating to me. Since these people have never had any real life encounters with dangerous animal, unlike my good self but still dismissed my comments! Yes I've stared into the eyes of the greatest monster of all and live to tell the tale... but the memory of that cruel day still makes me shudder.

I remember that day so long ago now ... when as a young care free lad in Africa I ran into the beast from hell.

In that, moment the whole world went strangely quite it, as it slowly turned its great ugly head to glare at me... The glare from those huge cruel eyes instantly brought on my first and only sensation of fear, paralysing my entire body. Unable to move or run, sweat gushing down my face I started to tremble uncontrollably and then the beast suddenly turned and stood on its hind legs to face me. Displaying in all its full savage, horrifying glory that which is the dominance of a primate male

of a tribe of Baboons.

Suddenly it charged at me... and I'll never know how I over came my fear but as he grew nearer to me, with his limbs waving wildly and directly at me. I managed to turn around over coming my paralysis and ran blindly away from this demon. I ran, and ran like never before.

Sadly, although (with the greatest luck anybody has ever had) I managed to get away from the devil beast of a baboon, my luck did not last. At some stage during my frantic escape I fell into a dark and fowl hole injuring my leg. Its never really quite recovered but that a story for another day

Movie channels

2007-02-22T11:09:00.000Z

Now, I'm a very straight down the middle kind of guy, happy go lucky and always smiling, however I'm a tad miffed. Turns out some collegues are in a local hotel which offers superior quality films of a certain debatable content type on a free film channel.

Now, the moral high ground says that some of these collegues shouldn't be watching this content, however I'm just annoyed that I never stay in these hotels and have to pay £8 a time should I wish to relax in the evening with some of the finest movies ever made.

Mind you, the hotel in question also charges out rooms by the hour, so maybe some moonlighting is going on...the locals have been known to be a little savage!

It's back!

2007-02-12T18:22:00.000Z

As I am working with a new set of people, I've decided that my favourite green jumper can come out again. However, I had a cunning plan the other week - I bought some look-a-likes. It means I can wear them each on a different day, thus maintaining my look without sacrificing that lenor freshness smell.

Course

2007-02-07T08:47:00.000Z

I hate training courses.

I'd been made to go on one for a new application. Before we got started, the guy teaching it asked us all for a brief introduction as to who we were and what we did. As the guy went round the room, I lost the will to live and by the time he came round to me I flippantly said I knew everything about software and hardware. That'll teach him, I thought, and should make him leave me alone and stop asking me questions so I can relax and read my ~~cartoons~~ newspaper.

However, my cunning plan seems to have backfired. Just when I was getting off to sleep, the guy (muttering something about xml schemas and drawing diagrams - why do these techies always draw diagrams? I thought they were all code monkeys?) turns to me and says "and of course, Sam you'll know all about this".

Of course I did. And it was then I reaslised - I'd spent too much time with the geeks. So I'm off into hiding, trying to get my business analysis mojo back by hanging out with some fellow BAs and playing with models. Now, where did I put that airfix kit?

Mick the plumber

2006-12-13T09:02:00.000Z

I can't work out the plug in the sink in my hotel room. There is nothing to unplug it! I've pulled it, pushed it, fiddled with the taps, everything! The only way I've found to get the sink to empty is to run the tap and let it trickle down the overflow.

After an extensive chat with "Mick the plumber" last night, where we discussed in depth the different ways of resolving the issue, it transpires that the best we can come up with is to empty the sink using the kettle in the room. Maybe the cleaner will fix it today.

2006-11-30T10:48:00.000Z

I think my cold is getting worse. However, as so many others in the office have a cold too, I think this is appropriate.

A Jelly Baby walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie.
After a few beers the Smartie says "Ere, a bunch of us are heading to
that new club, fancy tagging along?"
The Jelly Baby says "No mate, I'm a soft centre, I always end up getting
my head kicked in."
"So", Smartie says. "Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard case,
I'll look after you."
Jelly Baby thinks about it for a minute and says "Fair enough, as long
as you'll look after me", and off they go.
After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in.
As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under the table.
The Lockets take one look at jelly Baby and start kicking him, breaking
cola bottles over his little jelly head, lumping him with little sugary
chairs, and generally having a laugh.

After a while they get bored and walk out.
Jelly Baby pulls his battered Jelly Baby body over to the table and
wipes up his Jelly Baby blood.
He turns to Smartie and says, "I thought you were going to look after
me."

Aye.." says the Smartie..

"...but those Lockets... they're MENTHOL!!"

Rough

2006-11-28T15:50:00.000Z

I feel awful. I've felt it coming on for a few days now and it's hit me today. So I'm staying in bed in my favourite PJs and wooly socks, and a hot water bottle.

Hopefully, the sniffle will pass soon, although at the moment I don't think I'll ever be able to leave the house again.

Glove Puppets

2006-11-23T09:54:00.000Z

Having retired my by now infamous green jumper, I have taken the opportunity of the cold snap to showcase it's replacement, a rather fetching beige number. I'm quite pleased with it, although I will need to get it washed for that Lenor smell I love so much.

Headed out for a curry last night to a great place that does a buffet. It's my idea of heaven. You go in, they give you a table, and then no mucking out waiting to order - you can just go straight up to the buffet and get stuck in. Within 30 seconds of arriving, you can be eating and there is no limit as to how many times you can go back!!! Brilliant! Although in retrospect, perhaps 3 times was a little much... Stoker mentioned that he used to work down the road from the eating establishment for a popular catalogue many years ago. Turns out, he used to be a glove model for them! Who would have guessed it that we had a world famous glove model in our midst. No wonder he gets better service in bars.

Following on from the language discussion last week, we followed it up by Stokers advance French class. Somehow, I can't see "mucky buckets" working very well as a method of thanks.

Row, Row, Row your boat....

2006-11-16T11:04:00.000Z

I was being picked on last night. Over a pleasant curry with some collegues (and Stoker, who ordered about every side dish available and STILL didn't eat his mushroom pilau, the wuss) the subject turned to what everyone did at University, and if it was actually related to the job we did now. The results were interesting and varied, although they did find my choice very amusing.

Oh, and Stoker .....

Assortissez vos propres issues à bande large !

If that's lost on you, try

¡Clasifique sus propias ediciones de banda ancha!

or finally -

Сортируйте ваши собственные широкополосные вопросы!

Fruity

2006-11-09T08:21:00.000Z

~~I've~~ my wife has been out shopping for some new clothes for me. Needless to say I'm looking as sharp as ever. And now the weather has turned cold, I can get my favourite green jumper out again! Brilliant!

In other news, I headed into Worcester to get some odds and ends the other day. Turned out it was market day and they had so much fruit! So I bought some. I think I may change my eating habits and become a fruitarian. There have been some comments about the "fruity" smell in the air, but I think that's just my new aftershave.

The Bus is Parked, I'm on the Wagon

2006-10-24T15:56:00.000Z

One of the vendors on my grand UK tour is based in Belfast. As the meeting was on a Monday I decided to come out early and sample the delights of Belfast again. On arrival on Saturday I went to the pub for a few pints of the black stuff. A few turned into quite a few. Which turned into a lot. When I got in at 4am, I was feeling brilliant. The next morning I wasn't feeling so great, so I headed out for some hair of the dog. Seemed to do the trick and the day flew by. Can't beat a bit of culture, and when the culture involves the pub it seemed rude not to.

The next morning I had to go to work with the geeks at the vendor meeting. It was a bit of a drag, not helped by the mild hangover, so I kept my hands and mouth busy all day by eating sandwiches and biscuits. Seemed to do the trick, I don't think anyone noticed.

I went out for dinner and a few drinks with the geeks at night after the meeting. I was feeling pretty rough by now, my body no longer copes with 3 days drinking like when I was 21. Maybe because I'm nearer 41, I'm not sure. One of the the group commented that my eye was a slightly different colour, but I'm putting that down to bad lighting and too much artificial colours from the salad cream in the sandwiches.

This morning however, I was really fed up with Ireland. I was away from home, without my favourite green jumper, it was cold and very wet. I ordered a taxi, and the lying bugger said they would be there in 2 minutes, so I waited outside the hotel. After 15 minutes the bugger still hadn't turned up, so when a taxi arrived for someone else, I think he said Windy Miller but accent was odd so I'm not sure, anyway, I just got in. I just wanted to be home. So, I've decided to go on the wagon. No more beer. No more curries. No more Wagon Wheels. That's it. I'm a new man.

Finally! Someone who understands my needs!

2006-10-18T15:35:00.000Z

Brilliant! What a great day I've had, and it's in Slough!

First up, the "magic bus" got me here really early, so I went down to my favourite local breakfast emporium for a 2nd breakfast (well, it's quite a trip to Slough and it had taken a lot out of me). It's amazing how much you can get in McDonalds these days for breakfast. An egg mcmuffin and coffee later, I was ready to face the day.

On arrival for the visit we were ushered into a meeting room for what would be, on paper, a long and tiring day with more blooming rich tea biscuits. But no! They had come up trumps! Wagon Wheels!!! My absolute favourite! Although they could have got the jam ones... Maybe I'll let them off as they had pengiuns too. Lunch was brought out early as I'd eaten all the biscuits. Joy of joy! Pizza! The day just got better and better.

The only thing with all these vendor meetings is that they are all in London so I've been at home every night. My wife is getting fed up of me asking all the time if we can have a curry like when I'm away. And she doesn't even leave me out packets of biscuits for the Simpsons like they do in the hotel. On the plus side, I don't have to spend the time with the geeks talking about components again. Or worse, all the blogs they read. Now, where did I put all those Wagon Wheels...

The wheels on the bus go round and round

2006-10-18T08:29:00.000Z

With all this travelling, I've been considering the environment. Perhaps alternative transport would be better than my brick.

The geeks keep going on about a "Magic bus" and get all excited about it. Perhaps I'll look if I can get it to Woking.

Rough

2006-10-12T14:21:00.000Z

God I feel rough. One of those days that you daren't stray too far from mr Armitage and Mr Shanks.
Can't be the curry. Didn't have one.
I haven't raided the jam pots either.
Maybe I picked up something in the pit that was my hotel near Manchester. Question is, can I get home without stopping?

Keep on trucking...

2006-10-10T16:43:00.000Z

I'm spending the next few weeks "on the road" visiting various suppliers. This gives me a chance to raid various other hotels for jam pots who've not caught onto me yet, while also sampling curries in other areas of the UK. The downside is I have to spend time with the geeks, who will no doubt go on about how brilliant (or otherwise) the software is over dinner. Again. Mind you, it gives me a chance to help myself to their curries when they aren't looking!

Of course, suplier meetings are all about the quality of the lunches. On one agenda, a vendor has listed a "working lunch with sandwiches provided". Well, while they are working, I'll be found at the sandwiches.

Babysitting

2006-09-26T07:40:00.000Z

I'm home this week, baby-sitting. No hotels, no shampoo and bath gel to put in my wash bag, no little pots of honey, jam, or marmalade to snaffle. No evenings at the curry house acting interested when the geeks are talking.
But at least I don't miss the Simpsons.

Simpsons

2006-09-20T07:37:00.000Z

Having had my laptop for some time, I finally discovered that the coffee cup stand is actually a DVD player. My geeky collegues gave me some comments about this, but I'll leave them out of this for now. However, it does mean I no longer try and get back to the hotel at night for the Simpsons at 6:30 as I can now watch my Simpsons Box Sets on DVD anytime I like! Finally, something good that technology can do!

Abuse

2006-09-18T19:49:00.000Z

Good job I'm so mildly mannered. I take such abuse. Last week, just because I parked on the grass, (Ok, partly on the grass and partly in a ditch) I got this message in the middle of the working day that my car was being clamped.
Sods!

Renaissance Man

2006-09-13T21:02:00.000Z

The architects geeks sent me something called a "Component Model",

I'm not so much of a fan of conceptual / modern art. Also thought of myself as more of a renaissance man...

Picking up the Geek lingo

2006-09-11T13:36:00.000Z

I thought I was in trouble the other day when I was told to "zip it up." I looked down, as you do, but couldn't see anything out of place. Then it was explained to me that it was to do with compressing files.
So, armed with my new broadband connection I was "surfing the net" in no time, learning to speak Geek.

Back again

2006-09-04T21:06:00.000Z

Most of the geeks are away this week. What a relief!!!

Meanwhile I have some real work to do, finishing off the document that those lazy sods hadn't managed to complete last week. When I finish it I must send it to the client. The geeks left a note about emailing it or providing a copy on a memory stick. I have no idea what they are talking about so I'll print the thing and get a courier to take it; much easier.

(What the hell's a memory stick anyway? Is it some kind of Post-It note? I remember one of the geeks talking about it once, but I've forgotten - so it can't have been very important).

Smart dressing

2006-09-01T13:52:00.000Z

Some people have called me a snappy dresser in my time and I like to look after myself in as much as a Dad of two can. This weekend I'm going shopping with my wife to get some new clothes. To that end, I'll be studying some of my Top Gear videos to get some style tips from my style guru, Jeremy Clarkson. His style suits me down the ground - jeans, a shirt that I've had for a while, comfortable shoes. However it's going to be such a wrench to not wear my favourite green jumper. My wife washes it in Lenor so it has that "Comfort" feeling - makes me think of home when I'm away. In fact, I might just go and get it now as it's getting a bit chilly.

Victimised by Geeks

2006-08-30T16:10:00.000Z

I suppose they think they're funny... sending me this

Well, I got my own back. I had to ask them how to open the link.

3G

2006-08-28T17:07:00.000Z

Must admit, this 3G card (whatever that is) seems clever. It's nice to have the little flashing light too. (Not that I'm using the laptop, of course).

If only it would work at home; but I live in the one area of South-West London that gets no coverage.

Well that's another excuse.

2006-08-28T09:49:00.000Z

Finally, a bank holiday. A time to rejoice in ones family, spending the day pootling around garden centres and Homebase. Perhaps the greatest joy is that I don't have to use my infernal work laptop. Sometimes it feels like a chain around my leg it really does. I mean, people actually expect me to work when I'm at home! What are the chances!

Anyway, while some are happy to play with computers on bank holidays I'm not one of them, so I'll sign off now.

Haute Cuisine

2006-08-24T20:00:00.000Z

It's getting late. It must be time for a curry. My geeky colleagues aren't around so I should get some peace. I won't have to listen to their techno-babble and can concentrate on the food.

Introduction

2006-08-24T08:18:00.000Z

Well, hello interested readers.

The purpose of this blog is to document for posterity the comments, thoughts, rants and general ramblings of a business analyst. Having talked about doing this for a number of weeks (and thus, missed out on the opportunity to document a number of great rants already) it was decided over dinner last night that it was about time this wonderful idea came to fruition.

So, having been shown how to use my laptop for the hundredth time this morning, I've now managed to create this blooming thing!

Lots of little stories to come, so sit back, relax, and hopefully some of the people I work with will learn a thing or two!